Have you been experimenting sexually but unsure if you are exploring unspoken desires or being coerced? It is okay to feel unsure or confused because, you might not talk about sex with friends or family. In this article I will tell you how to identify coercive behaviour and how it differs from consensual sex. You can learn a little about group sex and how to enjoy playful sex in a safe environment.
The term “freak off” has been catapulted into the limelight of social media, in recent discussions about the misuse of power, celebrities and wild parties. While not widely defined in academic literature, the term refers to extreme incidents where an influential person, manipulates or degrades someone who is less powerful.
“Influence on its own is neither negative nor positive. What makes influence a manipulation is an underhanded and exploitative effect on others which is driven by the ill intentions of the manipulator.”
Dr Ruchi Sinah 2024.
In situations where someone has a higher degree of authority, influence, or control, the potential for abuse increases significantly. These events are characterized by acts that go beyond what is socially acceptable and in a manner that leverages the abuser’s control over their victim. In many cases, the victims may feel pressured to participate fearing retaliation or shame. The desire to protect their career or social standing is another key explanation as to why, an individual may be coerced even if they have the physical means to protect themselves in that moment.
Freak offs often thrive on secrecy, with those in power using their influence to prevent exposure. E.g. paying for security, secret invitations, having law enforcement or politicians present. Such instances are deeply harmful to the victim but also have ripple effects across society. When influential figures become abusive, it normalizes toxic power dynamics which encourages others to act in the same way. Unfortunately the culture of impunity that often surrounds powerful people, means that many acts of abuse or exploitation go unpunished. Victims often don’t speak out especially in situations involving powerful figures. The power imbalance in these relationships makes it difficult for the less powerful person, to resist or escape the abusive situation. They may feel trapped and isolated. It is important to note that a Freak Off should never be referred to as an orgy or group sex because, the former is based upon abuse and the latter is based on consent.
So what if you’re partaking in group sex or a sex party?
The common feature of powerplay, can make it difficult to know when the line between choice and being compelled to comply, is crossed. However, kinky sex can only take place if partners or participants are enjoying it and have a clear way to end the game.
Coercion is a tactic used by someone to psychologically take advantage of another person, this can absolutely take place even with one sexual partner or spouse. Coercive behaviour involves compelling someone to act against their will through threats, manipulation, or intimidation. While overt violence is one form of coercion, it can also occur in more subtle ways, such as psychological pressure or gaslighting.
If during explorative or risky sex, you stop enjoying it and are unable to end it, the sex is no longer consensual. This is a red flag! If you have not determined a “safe word” or established a clear stop signal before initiating a sex game, then you are not yet ready for kink. Another red flag! For guidance on introducing kink into your sex life look out for my article “Let The Games Begin!”.
If you believe you are being coerced it is important to remember that it won’t just go away, over time or if you do as they say. It actually is an indicator of psychological abuse and is usually accompanied by physical or financial abuse. So, how do you know if your partner is exerting coercive control over you? Here are some key telltale signs to look out for:
- Your partner made a big effort to impress you early on and seemed perfect.
- They have begun to control your choices outside of the bedroom or sex game e.g. insist on where you go out to eat or asking you not to attend certain events.
- They begin introducing new people, toys, props or positions that have previously been off limits- without discussing them first.
- They question you continuously and say things to make you doubt yourself, just so that you will agree with them
- Your belongings especially personal care items go missing regularly or your partner admits taking away items from you
- They make statements about your appearance or what others think of you in order to hurt you emotionally
It is important to remember that at any point in your relationship, if a person ignores or does not notice your request to stop having sex- this is a major cause for concern that should not be overlooked. Manipulators are often charming and controlling. They will use their powers of seduction to win you over and possibly gain the trust of your family and friends too. A manipulator may even go as far as taking you to an event purely to show you, how charismatic or well respected they are. In the early stages of dating or indeed marriage, a deceptive partner might use love bombing tactics. This typically stop once there is a sense that you have been “won over” or are truly committed to the relationship. So if things suddenly change don’t be afraid to call it out. If you are unsure you can confide in your family, close friend or even a counsellor to help figure things out.
Coercion from an intimate partner often happens gradually. That’s because the manipulator (abuser) is testing out their ability to change your mind and indeed, get you to do what they want. If a request that your partner makes seems odd, make a mental note of it. Once you have a few mental notes, discuss an odd request the next time one is made. This is just a great way to keep lines of communication open and minimise the development of toxic behaviour in a relationship. It’s important to remember that coercion is more than toxic behaviour it is actually a slippery slope towards more abusive behaviour. If you are curious about anything written in this article or need some support in tackling anything mention just submit your query to info@healinghandscounselling. Alternatively get in touch via our website or social media platforms, are team are here to help.
Useful numbers:
- Healing Hands Counselling 07448054661
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 24
- Victims First 0300 1234 148
